I would like to start off by saying, if you have not read my first blog post, then some of this might not be completely clear to you.
Most of you probably know that on New Year's Eve I realized I am bisexual, and to be specific, pansexual.
So, a friend of mine that I met via ALT.com asked me recently if I had any clue earlier in my life if I was gay or bisexual. I thought about this for a few hours and responded to her via email; then I elaborated on that message to write this blog post.
At the age of 10/11, myself and 2 other boys all the same age, got naked and started exploring each other's bodies; nothing overtly sexual, just touching. This happened every few days for about a month, until we were caught. Nothing was mentioned of it, and I moved on in life and never really thought much about it.
During my teen years I never found guys attractive, and never thought I was gay or bisexual. Around 15 I started exploring my anal region, I knew there was a hole there, a finger fit in it and it felt good when I did it. I never questioned if it made me gay or not, it was my body and I could do with it what I wanted if it brought me pleasure. I think that was a pretty profound view point for a teenager.
Then at 18 I saw a porn movie entitled, "The Opening of Christy Bethoven". In this movie I guy is fucked with a strap-on, and I thought it was wonderful!
note: This along with my girl cousins sticking their feet in my face when I was 9, and the fact that during puberty and my teens I always fantasized about being a sex-slave to a girl(s), lead to my submissive nature and interest in BDSM.
At 21 is when I met Mistress Andrea and enjoyed my first experience with BDSM. We spent a wonderful 2 years together in a D/s relationship where I was collared to her, and we regularly engaged in strap-on/anal play. Mistress Andrea and i always invited others into our sex life. I was dominated by Her and Her male friend whom was a DOM. I felt there was nothing sexual coming from him, just orders and a spanking, which is sexual in nature, but at that time I don't think I was ready to understand what was happening or what I was feeling.
Then at 22 I was dj-ing at a club in Miami and there was a transexual girl and a drag queen sexually ravishing this guy, who when I think about it now, was hot. The scene turned me on so much and I didn't know why. When I returned home, I told Mistress Andrea about it, and we came to the conclusion that I am turned on by the whole gender-bending aspect, and when I felt ready I should explore it more.
After we split up, about a year later I was dj-ing at a club, met a girl, went home with her and she turned out to be a transexual. After calming down from my nerves, we shared an amazing sexual experience together. I always had an interest in meeting a transexual girl since that time in Miami. We dated for a few months and became very close friends, and still are tody. My experience with her really helped me become the person I am today. She allowed me to get to know her, and because of that, my attraction to transexual women has always been one of respect and admiration for them as a person, and not as a sexual perversion (ie: my pansexuality).
Through out the remaining years until present, I have been with other transexual women, and enjoyed lot's of anal play with girlfriends and as a submissive in BDSM scenes. The question, "am I gay or bi" entered my mind often, but I stuck to the same answer, "I am attracted to femininity and not masculinity". I tried masturbating by fantasizing about guys, but nothing happened.
Two years ago while watching some transexual porn, two males in the scene began to have sex with each other, and I couldn't turn away . I watched it, but I feel I did not allow myself to fully enjoy it because I was nervous about what I was feeling; I dismissed it and moved on.
There has been other clues: The book Exit To Eden by Ann Rice had a very homosexual undertone to it, and I did the same thing; I read it and I was turned on, but didn't allow myself to explore why I felt that way. I also was a huge fan of Queer As Folk, and once again, the same feelings. These are just a few of the things that are coming to mind. When I think about it now, I think part of the reason I did not allow myself to explore why I was feeling that sexual excitement is because, my friends whom were gay were going through ruff times with family and friends, and I think I did not want to experience that. Just a theory.
Then around christmas, as I wrote previously, I read the book SoMa by Kemble Scott and really became turned on by the male-male sex scenes. This is the first time in my life I read or watched something, and said to myself, "wow, maybe I am bisexual"! I explored it more by buying some bisexual porn, then some gay porn. I love it! On the Kinsey Scale I would say I am a 4, equally straight and gay.
Looking back on my life there has been times when I thought about it, but never followed through. I was in a nightclub in SF in my mid 20's, I was alone and having a great time; I met 2 guys whom were gay, we partied together, dropped ecstacy, and they were coming on to me in a non-aggressive way - if that makes sense. They were hot! One of them asked me if I was gay or bi, and I replied, "I am curious". Nothing happened sexually, but we were dancing together in a provocative way with no shirts on. When I was ready to leave, the same guy said to me, "be careful and don't rush into anything"' I replied. "what?". He then said to me, "I personally think you are gay/bi, but it might take you a while to realize it, and when and if you do, don't rush into anything, take your time and use good judgment". He then said with a funny laugh,"if i was a jerk I would have pressured you into coming home with us, and you would have came, but I think it was wrong for you at this time for whatever reason. That same guy today is one of my closest friends, he bought me that book.
Also, one of my best friends came out to me when he was 18. He is another one who never pressured me, or asked me questions about my sexuality unless I brought a topic up for discussion. Through out my life I have always had more in common with my friends whom are GLBTQ, and always enjoyed their company more.
My sexuality has really evolved at its own pace, and there has never been any mental anguish about any aspect of it. I have always been very open and honest with myself about what I like, and never felt anything was wrong with me. I always felt that I was a very sexually open person and that I had nothing to be ashamed of, only to be proud of my sexual-eccentricity.
Looking back on my life there has been times when I thought about it, but never followed through. I was in a nightclub in SF in my mid 20's, I was alone and having a great time; I met 2 guys whom were gay, we partied together, dropped ecstacy, and they were coming on to me in a non-aggressive way - if that makes sense. They were hot! One of them asked me if I was gay or bi, and I replied, "I am curious". Nothing happened sexually, but we were dancing together in a provocative way with no shirts on. When I was ready to leave, the same guy said to me, "be careful and don't rush into anything"' I replied. "what?". He then said to me, "I personally think you are gay/bi, but it might take you a while to realize it, and when and if you do, don't rush into anything, take your time and use good judgment". He then said with a funny laugh,"if i was a jerk I would have pressured you into coming home with us, and you would have came, but I think it was wrong for you at this time for whatever reason. That same guy today is one of my closest friends, he bought me that book.
Also, one of my best friends came out to me when he was 18. He is another one who never pressured me, or asked me questions about my sexuality unless I brought a topic up for discussion. Through out my life I have always had more in common with my friends whom are GLBTQ, and always enjoyed their company more.
My sexuality has really evolved at its own pace, and there has never been any mental anguish about any aspect of it. I have always been very open and honest with myself about what I like, and never felt anything was wrong with me. I always felt that I was a very sexually open person and that I had nothing to be ashamed of, only to be proud of my sexual-eccentricity.
Tristan Taormino has an article in the Village Voice that elaborates on what is considered to be the queer heterosexual, someone whom basically is straight, but does not in fit the societal description of a typical straight guy/girl, but is not gay/lesbian. I feel when I was younger, that I somewhat fit this categorization.
Once again, I am so happy to share my sexuality with you, and if there is anything you would like to ask me, add to this about yourself, or just to say I enjoyed it or didn't, please comment.
Ciao,
Marcello
3 comments:
It is so great to hear about your continual evolving process of your sexuality. It is a treat for the world to hear the intimate thoughts and actions you have. Thank you!
You inspire me to keep writing my evolving thoughts about my sexuality, as well as help me to know there are others like me out there.
- Another budding sex nerd!
I totally enjoyed this post.
I think self discovery is such a huge thing. And even more so, being open and aware of it. So many pple repress who they might be or even are afraid of who they might be. Rather than embrace it.
Kuddos.
Very interesting read. It is always fascinating to me how people come to realize and experience the different aspects of their sexuality.
Thanks for adding my site to your list, too, btw.
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